i'm ready to meet someone that can relate with me. the few i know only exist in places like this. like me, they sit around and make up stories in their heads. they dream up ideas and draw up plans, maybe plans similar to mine. i just want someone different to talk to, because if i had my way tonight, i wouldn't go to the grocery store alone.


"you see yourself where you should be"

it's been awhile now since i've been on here. my friends and i started our own media/film company at the beginning of the year. we've been busy for the past few weeks and it will continue to be that way. this is the job that i'll build my life around. it's all that i've wanted.


mammothmedia.tv

i spent 6 hours driving in my car this weekend. i had a lot on my mind. now every state seems a bit closer.

i played host this weekend. my old friends we’re in from out of town. i made them breakfast, they made me tea. we spent hours at the table talking about nothing. i skated with them on the lake and drove them around kansas city at night. they renewed my faith in the human race. i want to thank you for making my house feel like a home.

the days are blending together again. i’ve become a night owl. the lake has been frozen for more than a week now and i’ve been skating. i skate right out to the middle. from there i can see every house on every hill. i can see my breath. i can’t remember the last time it’s been this cold. cars won’t start. the stairs that lead up to my house are still covered in snow. i wear my boots to the grocery store. i’m saving a little money and drawing up a new plan.

first snow.

missouri got it’s first winter snow. if my home state was ever a secret to any of you, then it’s not now. i’m home alone tonight, but i’m not watching home alone tonight. i wish i was, i guess i could. things have been different these past few weeks. it’s been dark in this house. i like the sound of the furnace turning on and i’m still curious as to how high i can stack the dishes in the sink. after christmas you always start to play new year’s eve out in your head. i always see a grand ballroom filled with pretty people in fancy clothes. bottles of champagne and flashing lights. my date in a fit black dress with a long coat to match. everything goes right from the minute we make our way out the door.

photographs above are from my week in southern missouri.

well here i am. southern missouri. my dad rented me a small cabin for the week. an early christmas present i guess. its a smaller space. the bed frame is made of antlers and there are deer heads hung from the walls. the balcony overlooks the lake. every young boys dream. i keep wondering if it would be better here in the spring. like when the leaves have color and the weather is warmer. everything has been pale and brown since the fall. these green pines are a pleasant change. this is where i want to be, alone in the great outdoors. i'm going to write this week and do things that make me feel good. i'm going to start the recovery process. i've been reading other peoples lives lately and i realized that there are a million people unlike me. if you're lying awake in bed tonight, wondering if you're on my mind, the answer is yes.

"I never wanted it to feel like this,
to be this way
I'm just afraid that if you stay,
we'll never change"